Planet Hulk

First of all, I want to say that just b/c the other three pseudo-Things don't wear any clothing, that doesn't mean I need to see up the skirt of the one good pseudo-thing that DOES wear one. And furthermore why does he wear a skirt if he doesn't wear anything UNDER IT? And MOST IMPORTANTLY... WHO THE FUCK DREW THIS SHIT??!!?

Also, I'd like to say that I am writing this as I watch the movie. This is pretty much a play by play with major plot points left out so as not to spoil the story.

So apparently Hulk is too dangerous for Earth, so the Illuminati (not the good ones the Marvel uinverse ones) have sent Hulk away. And apparently some planet needs an evil green nuclear beast to save them. This is the setup we are presented with for this movie.

Hulks ship smashes to the ground and a flood of his blood becomes our opening cg sequence. Hulks blood is made of shrooms people. Guess that's why these bug people want him so bad. And these other pink people. But the pink people want him more and ship him off to be a slave.

The first Colleseum battle is disappointing. I did like watching the bugs get squished though. There was one good line with "Hulk slash!", but the rest of the dialogue I could have done without. Not that I REMEMBER any of it. And what was with crossing characters from Star Wars (Eps I-III and Extended Universe) with the Stargate Goa'uld?

A few boring flashbacks later to introduce our canon fodder and our characters get thrown into the pit of Geonosis and have to fight off robo-insects. I can honestly say I'd rather be watching Spartacus, or any other gladiator movie than this at the time. Wait. Hulk just got eaten by the robo-wurm and OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.. surprise surprise he rips himself out, and slashes all the way down it's belly in the style of so many anime we've all seen.

So the people of the planet think Hulk is some kind of predestined god, here to save their people. Of course the evil emperor wants no talk of this and decides Hulk should be some slave, used to entertain the people by fighting to the death. wait. 34 minutes in and we're suddenly at flashback number... I dunno.. 18 it seems like. *god there's still another hour to go in this crap*. It's the flood!!!!!! Now we're ripping off Halo. And NOW we're ripping off Claymore. *sigh* Our brave newly introduced... conflicted moch-hero and bodyguard to the emperor must chop up her family b/c they have been infected by the evil space mutant zombie insect thingies. Wait I think I just just saw Master Chief run crying out of the picture.

My buddy Timmy would like me to point out... "Those things are red. The King's red... 2 + 2 = 4."

Hold on a second. Hulk just now turned from stupid hulk into smart hulk at the blink of an eye. Earlier it was all Hulk this and Hulk that. Now he's talking about how "I'm not a slave to anyone, so tell your king he needs to blah blah blah" Hell, maybe I've just gotten dumber and he's just starting to SEEM smarter to me. I can't tell.

Yay, Beta Ray Bill is here and now is smashy time! "You broke the disk. I'm free! *thwak* Wwwaaaaaahhhhhh *thud" Many laughs. Why the long face there Bill? Gawddamn how can this be so predictable?

Skipping. It's the only way to travel. "If only you'ld listened to me." If only I hadn't guessed this 20 minutes ago... Finally Hulk and his new girlfriend get to battle and maybe they'll reveal the big secret. OOps no. The kings plan begins to fail and more of those floody fuckers start to show up. "See. I told you. They're red. The king's red." ~Timmy.

Good pseudo-thing just did his best aaaahhnold impersonation. "Everybody this way.. Everybody mooove!"
OOoohhh... Flood-Hulk. "Sire, we need help. The spikes have returned" "I know. I sent them." "Told ya" ~ Timmy. *sigh*

Wow... That was cool. Apparently, just like in Halo, Flamethrower is good against Flood. REALLY REALLY GOOD. It killed EVERYTHING. Except for the chick with the impervious skin. The little girl in her arms.. not so lucky. Just a hint here people. Do NOT let this lady hold you. SOMETHING BAD will happen.

"I'm not dead. I'm just MAD." notinthefacenotintheface!!! RUN!!! I think Emperor Gundam just let loose his entire volley of chest rockets. And he messed up Hulks hair. Now he's gotta pay.

Did the bug just go sledding for a strike? I need to get me one of those shields before the next big snow-storm.

Emperor gets a taste of his own medicine. Literally. And now we all live happily ever after? Wait. False ending. Hulk kiss pretty girl now? No. He gets interrupted FOR.... Hulk's coronation.
Through Hulk we find peace. Yeah ain't that a kick in the pants.

Finally it's over and I think I'm gonna go play some Borderlands or something to get that mess outta my head.

My rating: 2 out of 5 stars. Timmy's guest rating: 3 out of 5.